1. Denial: Even when you challenge her obsessive tendencies, she immediately snaps that there is nothing wrong with her. This is clear denial. When you spend time with her, do you feel sucked into a black hole of misery? If you are beginning to dread her company, confront her about your feelings and walk away.

2. Co-dependence: Is she far too dependent on you for her happiness? Does she ring or text you hundreds of times a day? This can be too much for a man. When you have a fun night planned with your friends, and the girlfriends are not invited, she will use manipulation to get her own way. This may often work, but the same excuses can grow tiresome, and your love for her may eventually wane.

3. Friendships: If you have a good relationship with her friends, it can make you feel awkward being around them. If she has failed to change her obsessive traits and her friends know all this, there is no point in ending your friendship. Arrange a time to meet them when your ex will not be around.

4. The Bitchy Girlfriends: Male friends are fine, but girlfriends will often always take her side and push the blame onto you. She will feed her girlfriends poison to make them believe that she is the victim, and you are the bully.

5. Take Your Time: If you have just escaped one toxic relationship, the last thing you want is to rush into a relationship and experience the same. Enjoy the single life. Spend time with your friends and flirt with the opposite sex. Look for a woman who is independent and has a good social life.

If you have recently discovered that you are in a toxic relationship, is your instinct telling you to escape? Do not let one toxic relationship put you off women for life, as not all women experience insecurities. The heart takes time to heal. Talk to friends about your fears, but avoid letting an ex manipulate you because of her mental state. A healthy relationship is based on trust and honesty.

Although I like to write about sexuality, this does not mean I’m an adulterer. I do not encourage cheating. I have openly talked about my relationships and my hurts. It can feel exciting to have the occasional flirtation, but the truth lies in our heart. We all experience bad spells but it does not mean that an affair is going to make everything all right. Cheating on a partner breaks both hearts. The worst thing about cheating is the trust issue. This can take years to rebuild.

I love Jon with all my heart. I truly believe that he is the man I will spend the rest of my life with. I’ve always been a heart and soul kind of girl, which is why I spent nine years being single, while I waited for God to deliver the perfect partner to me. I had matured away from the one-night stands and knew that giving my body away so freely was just making me feel more and more empty inside.

I had a phone call yesterday from an old shag. He was married and I was immature and selfish at the time. He asked me whether I had a fuck buddy, and I replied that I don’t sleep around any longer. I told him about Jon and he wished me well. This guy has everything. He’s in his forties, has a wife in her twenties, three kids, and I bet he would still cheat on his wife.

Not everyone feels the need to cheat, but the mainstream soap operas just can’t seem to stop promoting adultery. These neighbours can’t their hands off each other. This is plain wrong. Good communication can always keep a relationship alive. If you cannot talk with your partner then start right now, and if you feel the urge to cheat this is your ego out for control and to ruin your relationship. Why would you jeoparise your special bond for one night of fun with a stranger you may never see again?

I often feel like I don’t deserve Jon. He is so good to me, he listens, is thoughtful, adoring, tells me I’m beautiful and special, and I am so proud to be his partner, but a part of me is out to destroy what we have. I’ll think of a stupid reason for us not to be together, and then I’ll be distraught later when I eventually hurt him. However, this has nothing to do with adultery. My past hurts have made me believe that I don’t deserve to be happy, and I always need to be with an abusing asshole.

It is not okay to cheat on a partner. Marriage is no longer promoted as a sacred bond in these soap operas. If there are issues that you need to work through then see a counsellor rather than consider an affair. Every relationship can go through peaks and troughs and come out stronger.

Popular celebrity marriages are also a joke. I realise that they these people have huge egos, but to play around with the heart is a dangerous game. Jennifer Aniston did not deserve the treatment she got from the Bragelina selfish duo. I know it takes two to tango but when you are love with someone and that person cheats on you, it creates long term damage that can take decades to heal. Three-day marriages are making a mockery of long-term relationships. However, it is possible to keep a relationship on track with love and support. I believe that a good partnership can be healing for the body, mind, and soul.

During my first relationship, I experienced mental abuse. The first two years were satisfying, but he was possessive and was only kind to me if I obeyed him. He didn’t want me going out with his friends, didn’t want me to eat pork, didn’t want me to dress in short skirts or low cut tops…oh and no alcohol either. Did I forget to mention that he was Bengali? Now I am not a racist. Even when the Asian kids at school used to bully me, I didn’t hurl any abuse in return.

One particular day, Abdul and I had had an argument, and he told me that his girlfriend was a hundred times better looking than me. Is this the lowest of low comments? Is it any wonder I hate myself and cannot see the determination and success that others see in me? One particular day a friend visited me and said that Abdul was getting off with Sara Murphy. She’d said to him “You can do better than her.”

Do better? What exactly does this concept mean? Was I not good looking enough to meet her standards? Did she have to stoop so low to judge me? Why are people so cruel to one another? She obviously thought she was better than me in image, but does image shape a person worthiness to society? No it does not. Too many of us need image to be the priority, when the inside of a person’s heart is the most telling.

Abdul allowed me to go out with him once a month to Mr Smith’s Soul Night in Warrington. I remember I had bought this short thigh high dress. He stood me up. Said he had to work late. He came to my house stinking of curry and said I looked like a slag. The following day, I told my father what he had called me, and my dad grabbed him by the neck and made him cry. Abdul took his abuse out on me. Said it was all my fault. This relationship continued until I hit nineteen. Finally, I saw through him and his lies.

When we broke up, the cheeky bastard blamed me for his having to drink a bottle of whiskey. Blame blame blame. That’s all I ever got during my relationship with him? What was the lesson from that relationship? To stick up for myself perhaps or to forget about what people think about me? His words truly hurt, and the innocent party has to carry around these hurtful words forever. Perhaps some bullies can face up to their destructive side, the one who feels threatened by change, while others will continue down the same path and destroy another life in the process.

To this day, I will never admit that he was my first love. I hated him for a long time. Now, he has helped to shape the feisty spirit I am today. I take no shit from anyone, not even management. Mental abuse and the need to take control of someone by insulting and belittling them is nothing to do you with YOU, it is the partner you choose. You are worthy, always are no matter what people think or say about you. It can take time for this feeling of self worth to grow where it feels healthy and not one of competition and need to be better than someone else.

Once it comes though, nobody has the power to hurt you. I’m not quite there yet, but I have a great partner who is encouraging me to grow and I truly believe that he loves me. If this is the gift of the single life finally meeting a partner who can treat me the way I deserve to be treated, even though I might not subconsciously feel it, then this mental abuse journey has brought me far and given me lessons to learn. Perhaps I’m too feisty now. I would never let another man treat me that way. Nobody deserves that treatment, and especially not because of how you look, think, feel, dress, weigh, or act. The real bully is the bully who is too proud to see that dark aspect deep within the soul.

Today, while I was walking, I saw such beauty. My world is so dark. It is not the world that is dark, as many people have told me, it is how I have chosen to view the world. Yes there are fucked up people in this world. I am not going to call them evil anymore, or even satanists, but they are lost souls. Lost in the world of greed, lost in the world of illusion. Something has died inside, a part of them has lost hope that there is any type of Spirit. I am not that person. I am very aware that there is a lot of suffering in the world, but in trying to change the world, I have worked only to destroy myself. Why can’t I listen to Spirit? Why has my ego needed to take control, to fight for justice? There may be no real justice in the world of man. I have to face this reality now.

So today, while I was admiring the roots of this earth, the versatility of nature, I know that the only world I need to change is my own. I have depression. Why has it taken me years to admit this. Pride in part, the pride I continue to talk about in my blogs. Fear of having to ask for help. Fear of being weak in the eyes of God. I am in fear of being a weak soul, afraid that I would be institutionalised for having a different mindset. I have to let all of this go. Fighting is not the answer to healing. I need to find the love within and pass this love onto myself. I’ve always been afraid of loving myself, as there is ego type of love where we believe we are the best, but this has to be a selfless type of love (does it exist). I need to love my scars, love my pot belly, love my mind, love my achievements, love my thoughts (however dark they may become) and truly forgive the past and then maybe I’ll come face to face with healing love, instead of darkness 24/7.

I’m so sorry to my family and friends who I have hurt in my attempted suicide. My world crumbled. I was so overwhelmed with losing to the system. The dark side swallowed me whole. I forgot that life was hard. All I needed to do was to say sorry to myself. To heal myself, and death is not healing of any sort. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Why do I NEVER practice what I preach. I have such important messages that I write in my blogs, but I can’t even take the advice of my inner voice. So today I vow to get better. No longer will the darkness steal my thoughts. I am not sure how I will cope if the darkness returns, but writing and talking is therapeutic. I will add walking to this list. They are MY tools of healing. I have taken the first step and admitted that I have a mental illness. I am low, but I am still loved, although I am broken and lost in Spirit. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

Sun in the Eighth House

You have got a healthy fascination with everything naughty, forbidden, taboo

or secret! You simply can’t resist probing the deepest, stickiest corners of life,

asking unanswerable questions and discussing things that are not considered

polite or conventional . Good for you. The world needs more people prepared

to face up to the basic home truths in life – and to recognise that we all (even

the Queen) go to the toilet, have smelly feet, make babies and eventually die!

This kind of insight gives you a great sense of humour, a realistic outlook and a

talent for healing and helping people.

This is so true of me. The way I see it currently, many of us want to bury our head in the sand and not face up to reality. I’m quite happy to pay taxes, but when those taxes are paying into a system of debt that will never be repaid, what’s the point! Accepted for Value all the way is the best way to reduce the national debt that is forced on us all. I will not pay to fund wars where innocent children and families are killed.

Sun Conjuncts Mercury

No one really understands you, least of all yourself! Flashes of occasional

brilliance break across periods of prolonged mental inactivity. You have got a

powerful brain but a tendency not to use it!

I have countless ideas for short stories and novels, but I have a hard time concentrating. I’ve suffered with writers block since 2010 and I now trying coconut oil to remove this brain fogginess, but nothing seems to work. To think when I first started writing, I wrote 100 erotic stories, my first full novel, Murderous Minx, and I was in a fantasy world of creation. Now, my world has come crumbling down, I can barely see the light on most days, and I have lost faith in myself. So this part is true, I do not even understand myself. I’m on an emotional wave most days.

 Moon in Pisces

You are so private, you even hide from yourself! Perhaps it is because you feel

so sensitive, vulnerable and shy. You have got an overwhelming need to be

reassured. You won’t get this reassurance by just pretending not to care, while

deep inside you feel miserable and unwanted. In this life, you normally get

what you ask for and, a lot of the time, you appear to be asking for problems

and difficulties. You see! Even in your horoscope, you are getting lectured

instead of flattered! Something inside you just wants to relinquish all

responsibility by feigning incompetence, ignorance or innocence. None of it

will wash! You know better and so do those who love you. You are really a

very aware, intuitive, capable and loving soul, who has a lot to offer and a lot

to give. Why hide your light under so many bushels? Come out to play and let’s

all appreciate you!

Do you yearn for a life on the ocean wave? If so, you are manifesting a typical

tendency of people born under the Moon in Pisces. So deep are your needs,

so profound are your yearnings, so passionate are your impulses that no

relationship, no matter how intense and committed, with any other human

being will suffice to fulfil them. You need a relationship with something

vaster, more unfathomable and more mysterious. The sea for example. Your

heart constantly wants to sail, swim, surf and dive. If it can’t feel safe or able to

do that, it prefers to sit patiently doing nothing other than splash pathetically

through some shallow puddle.

All of which is why so many of your loved ones consider you an enigma. You

often reveal little or no trace of emotion at all yet it is clear you are far from

being heartless or insensitive. And no matter how successful you become at

your job, in your lifestyle or with your attempts to establish a happy family life,

there’s always something about you that seems a fish out of water . It may not

be the actual ocean that you require in order to find complete satisfaction. It

could be a stimulating, demanding role to play in some large organisation or

institution that fills the gap you sense in your heart. But it’s certainly true that

no Piscean is emotionally content unless they’re in the process of trying to do

the impossible in an environment where anything can happen next… and

probably will.

Trying to do the impossible. Well I would say that I am a natural experimenter. I have no fear where risk is concerned. I would gladly put my life on the line for another human. We are all connected. This is love.

Unaspected Moon

You are a funny old thing. One minute, you are so full of weepy, tearful and

vulnerable emotions that you can hardly speak. The next, you are tough as

nails and hard as old boots, and nothing bothers you at all! These extreme

oscillations in your emotional state are caused by what we Astrologers call an

unaspected Moon . Despite this rather off-putting technical term, an

unaspected Moon is rather an interesting thing to have. It is pretty rare (not

many people have them) and it makes you a rather special person. Whether or

not it is a problematical thing really depends on the measuring stick you use. If

you believe that a person should go through life entirely following their

emotions, you may have difficulties. Sometimes, your unaspected Moon is just

going to refuse to help you sort out what is instinct from what is intelligence.

If, on the other hand, you believe that people should go through life following

their ideas, you have got a head start because you are not half as bothered as

most people are by a nagging conscience and burning self doubt!

I live my life through my emotions. A feeling person. Heavily empathetic. Guess this was in my chart all along. I think about situations that are occurring in the world and my heart just opens and cries for this hurt to go away. Why are we fucking evil to one another, when we are all part of the same family? Some people live without a heart; feel it is better to cover it with pride. I am an open book. Can’t live with it, can’t turn it off.

Midheaven ruler Mars in the Ninth House

You have a way of breaking all the rules in the book and getting away with it.

If there is one thing you can’t resist, it is a challenge, and you are constantly

accepting them

I’m not sure that I get away with all the rules in the book, but I do accept way too many challenges. Not sure of why. Most of the time they turn me into an anxious bean.

You are kind, you are sensitive and you understand, almost too

well, why others are the way they are. In consequence, you tend to make far too

many allowances. You will often forgive and forget things you probably ought

to resent and remember. And why? Because your heart is rather like a

broken car heater. It seems only to have only two positions; full on and full

off. By and large you prefer to give the benefit of the doubt and be

occasionally taken advantage of than to suffer the pain of having to raise your

emotional drawbridge, lock it, bolt it… and mount an armed guard on the

turrets of your heart’s castle.

Some things I find easy to forgive, but other people will take a lifetime to forgive, so this is true of me. What can’t I forgive? The hurt toward another human being that stems from greed, this I find difficult to forgive. This is the entire world, the system who controls us. Why do we accept it. Does it give us peace and security? For some it may, but for others, like myself, it is a big block in the road.

You and Romance

To have Venus in Cancer is to have an insatiable appetite for reassurance. You

yearn to be loved, wanted, even needed. This may sound like a description of

someone suffering from inner weakness but it is actually the reason you have

phenomenal strength. So anxious are you not to feel rejected that you think

very carefully before ever putting your heart in a vulnerable position.

Someone else with similar reservations might be destined to spend their life

hiding behind a barrier of non-communication.

Venus in Cancer however, compensates for its tendency to make you

defensive by imbuing you with a vast capacity to give . Just as a wealthy

person may donate £500 to charity without denting their bank balance while a

poor one may only give £5 but will have to go without something in

consequence, you are rich in compassion and can afford to give generously.

But while a poor person is always aware of their limits, a rich one can more

easily assume they have endless reserves. If they make a mistake and draw

too heavily on funds they cannot truly spare, they have much further to fall!

I am always there to help someone in need. I am deeply hurt by judgments and criticisms. I’ve been fucked over for much of my life by men I believed truly cared for me. Keith was not really my type but he seemed to want to get to know me. He abandoned me when his life fell apart. Not even an apology. Rick…Jason…Hawk. I put so much energy into each of them when none of these men knew how to love, real genuine love that I’ve always been searching for. Jon, however, does love but I have hurt him deeply. Truly a one of a kind gentle spirit. Why do I need reassurance? Because all of my safety, all of my hopes have been squashed by too much belief and want in others. I give of myself to others; I give in empathy and compassion through my tears. I will never stop caring about others. It is a natural mothering tenancy that I’ve adopted and can’t quite love yet, but I’m working on it. I am poor in monetary value but rich in giving of myself.

Venus Semisquares Mercury

You tend to be critical of your own creativity. Rather than allow yourself the

freedom to paint, draw or design to your heart s content, you tell yourself that

no matter what you do, it will never be quite good enough. This is a shame

because actually you are extremely talented. The link in your chart between

Mercury and Venus implies the ability to combine logic with inspiration in

order to produce brilliant action. Have a little more faith in yourself and you

will be amazed by what you become capable of doing and who you become

able to fascinate and amaze.

I do not believe in myself. I have tons of ideas but my mind will take me there. At times I feel so frustrated, even a time waster. There is a part of me longing to be at peace, while another part of me is locked into the system, and this is where the urge comes to fight back. I might not win, it might be the end for me, but God knows of my frustrations, my needs for change.

Mars in the Ninth House

You are more interested in the way you feel about things than in the way they

are going to work out. You adopt an almost experimental attitude towards

the things you do. This gives you a natural advantage in anything that involves

risk. (And what doesn’t?) It also means that you may have a few skeletons in

your cupboard – the results of experiments that went wrong.

Is this where my “no fear attitude” stems from, because I have no fear in challenging the system? I have fear where money is concerned, as I have none and I hate that it has a hold over everyone. Law of Attraction teaches that you have to love and appreciate something before you have more of it, so guess I can’t love and appreciate money. The system itself…I’m willing to go all the way. Let’s see how far the system uses fear and intimidation to get its worthless cash.

I guess that astrological charts are accurate. Even before I fell into depression, I used to cry for no reason, so maybe this stems from my unaspected moon, or maybe I’m just a sensitive freak. Now I’ve lost the love of my life I feel so empty and alone. No one will ever come close. Maybe I’ve just given away the only good thing that God has put into my life. I can’t see the lesson. Maybe I had to surrender him for his own protection, as I seem to stress him out with my relentless need to push and strive for truth. Truth is a daily activity for me. I can’t help it. Maybe truth is where I spend most of my day because I want to be free. Is truth not a conspiracy? Love is truth, but this is not a conspiracy.

I want others to be free of a system that only allows freedom if you pay for it. This isn’t genuine freedom. I say no. The system is not love. Why should my need to fight for truth and justice make me mentally unstable? My world has already crumbled in discovering this truth. God knows I am not crazy. I am a warrior, but a very unhappy warrior. Still I’m punished for trying to be a genuine soul. I guess I push people too far, but I will always apologise for my actions, my own lessons have taught me that pride is at the centre of this destructive dark world. If more of us let down our guard then maybe I wouldn’t need to try so hard.

Sticking my face between a pair of quivering legs, my fingers gently fucking her g-spot and tongue tending to her fat clit, would she squirt all over my face or smother my tongue in honey? Although Jon would love the view, I think of us taking turns in pleasuring a woman. The smell of pussy all over our lips, our eyes clinging together like magnets. The scene is turning me so wet. Her lucky clit is getting ten thousand kisses from the same tongue that entices my trickling web, and I have a thunderous urge to throw him off her, jump on him and fuck him senseless.

So what is it about the scent of pussy that I love? I’m no lesbian, nor would I class myself bisexual, but I have the odd fantasy where I’m licking out a pussy, musk all over my face, the scent enriching and nipple hardening. Maybe Jon could slip under my legs and give me a pleasure of his own while I’m sucking up her dribbling juices. Would I get a girl wet? Would her kiss be soft and sensual and would I enjoy a girl going down on me? Why does the scent of my own pussy drive me wild, and why is it the most potent perfume to attract a man? Seriously, everyone should use those natural pheromones to their benefit. Fuck Beyonce or Chanel and stick to the natural fragrance of pussy.

The vagina is self-cleansing and must not be douched. The latter will remove the natural bacteria and encourage vaginal infections and thrust. Clean only the outside of the vaginal lips and in between the clitoris where it gathers smegma. To taste good for your man (or woman), eat a diet high in fruits and vegetables.

Jon grips me, our kiss so horny that it makes my heart pound with delight. This is the kiss I had always imagined, a multi fusion of chemistry, a tingle that sets all of my hairs of my body alive, and when his tongue makes love with mine, my moist pink lips ache for a piece of him.

He pushes me into the bedroom and forces me against the wall. He douses my neck with kisses, and in my thoughts I’m begging him to slip a finger under my long coat just to taste me. He’s so patient. I’ve always loved that he could want me so bad, but making me wait makes me want me to beg him for release.

Our coats rustle, as he dances around my ass. He’s rock hard, I’m soaking wet, I’m desperate to take control of him, push him against the wall and stick my head under his coat to suck him good, but I can only surrender.

“Put your hands up and keep them there. I’m gonna get you so wet Helen that you come as soon as I stroke you.” His domination sets my heart aflutter, but my pussy is choking for meat. It’s breathing and searching for its cure, meanwhile the cock dancing around my ass makes me writhe.

“Keep still,” he demands, “You wouldn’t want to set off my groans. Not come for three day. Waiting for your landing. Holy shit you get me hard.”

Every word cursed me. How could I explain of my inherent desire to give my all? No thoughts of anything else, but complete joy. The fusion of our scents, his ripe meat glistening in the moonlight as it grinds into me, his tender balls tickling my ass slightly.

“Oh take me now Jon. I can’t wait a second longer.”

“Not so easy,” he whispers. “Kiss me.”

I turn my head and our lips sychronise. My pussy is in shock. It’s aching for a touch. I pulse it in and out imagining his dick slipping in and out. Fuck I can’t stand letting my hot wax slip out over my thighs to make its mark, when it should be only his tip trickling with my heat.

He rips open the coat and toys with my bare breasts. “You’re so naughty stepping off the plane with nothing under your raincoat. Can smell your sex through the rubber.”

“Well you promised me that you wouldn’t make it far,” I teased, sucking his bottom lip, “I wanted you to pounce on me this time, your eyes undressing me in your truck, your fingers easy access for my slit.”

“Shut up, I can smell it, your sweetness, your sweat ready to mist over my tongue and face.”
“Why don’t you touch me,” I beg, a faint whimper of pain rolling off my tongue, “I’m fucking dripping, and I bet you love knowing how wet you make me.”

“Not as sore as my dick feels right now rubbing against your peachy ass. Do I have your permission to pull up your coat and let my cock find it home?”

“Holy shit Jon. I don’t care what you do; I can’t take it any longer. Touch me. Put your hands all over my body and fuck me close. Beat your cock against me. Tell me to fuck you, and I’ll do you so hard and fast.”

“I can wait, but first…it’s your turn…”

—Oh fuck,” I whimper, “Been waiting hours for this. Oh Jon, I can’t wait a second longer. Masturbate me.”

It’s true. One or two strokes later, I tremble, as he holds me close. He strokes his wet finger over my thigh, my breast and sucks his finger. “I could drink you all night.”

I throw him onto the bed; slip my head under his coat and my playful tongue toys with his swollen nuts. His pre-cum is a distinctive taste and smell of the undies he had splashed in for months, the undies he slept in, came in and saved for me, the undies I nestle my head against, the undies I love to smell the crotch of, the undies I love to suck and smell as I’m masturbating.

He rips off his coat and can now see me full frontal taking me in his mouth, pre-cum glistening on my chin and cheek. He watches me take his full length in my mouth, so big he makes my eyes water. He fucks my mouth slowly, saliva pooling over his balls, a splash dripping out over his balls with every suck. He’s in half heaven and hell, I can see it in his eyes. The lust of wants and surrenders dominating his thoughts.

I close my eyes and enjoy pleasuring my man, his moans blocking out my wet licks. He fucks my mouth, tears stream down my cheeks. I’m carefully controlling his thrusts with my fingertips, but he’s now possessed. The devil inside is aching for release. His eyes are fixated on me. He watches my full pink lips surrounding his cock tip and gasps as it slides in deeper.

Pre cum spurts onto my tongue, his flavour an exotic fruit of its own. “Angel…I’m so close,” he groans.

I circle the base of his cock with my fingers, squeezing him in equal measures. Even as I feather stroke his tip with my fingers and tongue, he’s flipping like a fish. He slips out of me, I smile. “Patience Jon. You made me wait. It’s like you read my mind, and now I’m in sync with yours. Tell me how much you love your hard cock sliding in and out. Does it feel like you’re fucking me? What about when I suck you in deeper…like this?” Saliva and tears pool out in waves.

“I daren’t move an inch. Fuck, you’ve taken me to the edge and back. Every time I’m there, you turn back the pleasure and I feel like my head is going to explode.”

The feather strokes continue. “Don’t give me the come to bed eyes now, Angel. If I had my way I’d flip you over, ask you to fuck me, and watch your round ass bouncing up and down on my cock. This is torture.”

You don’t know the meaning of torture. You’ll be screaming my name by the time your cream is loaded in my mouth.

“Three days of spunk saved up for me aye?” I muttered with a smirk. “Jon…you’re loaded.”

“Heavier than my potato gun, loaded with ammunition, fuck I’m ready to shoot. If only I wasn’t seduced by your soft lips, you’d be fighting me off.”

I lost eye contact, hurled his ass up in the air and soaked his ass in a web of saliva. “Fuck…fucccckkkkkk,” he yelled shaking. “I can’t wait for you to fuck me.”

“Now?” I asked grinning.

“Slip a finger in Angel.”

I dipped two fingers into my web, toyed them over his tight hole and pushed one in. “Oh wow,” he howled,” “I’m bursting.”

“I can see that,” I reached round with my free hand stroking him firmly. Pre-cum melted into my fingers and I rubbed it over his tip so gently it twitched.

My tongue darts in and out of his clean ass. I remembered watching him in live action fucking himself with a cucumber, the fat head edging its way against his g-spot. Every howl of pleasure filling my panties with the sweat he longs for, the same juice that’s dripping in a pool on his dark sheets.

“Any cucumber’s in the house?”

- Xen, China

Tonight I saw the damage I have done to myself and I cried. I felt so unworthy. All of the nasty words that people have said to me have come true. Finally, the bullies have won. I have done so much damage to myself that I feel utterly unworthy. I never say affirmations, but I started to say, “I am worthy” and it wasn’t easy to say those words. I look at my round podgy stomach, my scarred back and chest, and I saw this girl looking back at me who was in need of some love, real love, from herself. How could I cause such harm to myself? What has Helen ever done to Helen to warrant such self-hate? Is it my life choices or the horrid words that other people have said to me? Why have I never considered loving myself? Can we ever truly love thy self, or is it an impossible task, one that will cause either super ego or the total opposite?

So I think tonight I reached breaking point. I am sick of feeling ashamed about myself. I’m sick of hiding my figure under baggy clothes. I’m sick of covering up my scars and wondering what other people think of me? Something has to change. I am in self-destructive mode and have been for years. I want to feel sexy when I’m naked in front of Jon. I don’t want my scars to be the focal point or my thoughts. I need and want to feel beautiful in my own skin. So I guess even when I was boxing and keep fit, it was to attract men so that they would sleep with me, but now with the self harm and over eating, I am doing the absolute opposite and trying to look repulsive to the opposite sex. Instead, it is making me feel like crap. I need to forgive myself for things that have happened to me. I need to forgive the lessons I have endured on this journey. Bullies will still exist in this world, and I need to put the bully inside me to bed forever.

Maybe one day I will love myself, and no matter how many times Jon gives me compliments, they go in one ear and out the other. Why is it so hard to accept our good bits. I have a good heart, I’m incredibly sensitive, I am generous and kind, and I would give my life for those I love, so why is it so hard for me to believe this, and why do I constantly let my inner bully make me feel like shit? Maybe one day I will truly heal, but I think I have a long way to go.

So what the hell is it with the opposite sex? Why can’t we be open with our partners, with the thought that we will be judged for openly expressing our sexuality? I’m not sure I will ever feel confident enough to tell her. Our sex life is okay, but nothing special. She even frowns at doggy, but in this state while I’m making love to her, I imagine she is the one fucking me. It makes me cum so hard. Maybe I’m forever doomed to be silent about my own anal play, or may be I should set up a scene where she will catch me, just so I can get a reaction.