letting go

Letting Go in Love

The heart takes time to heal after a relationship ends, and letting go is part of this problem. Lately, I feel so desperate, so afraid of trusting in love. Yet I can’t blame Jon. All he wanted was to be loved for himself. I failed. We can all read self-help books that teach us to build on our self-esteem, but in letting go in love there is no possible system that you can follow to eradicate this pain. Time is the healer, although it can seem like time is the enemy when the tears start rolling.

The truth is that I do love Jon, I always loved Jon. I truly believed in our relationship. I thought it was for real. I was single for nine years before I met Jon. I had the brief online relationship with Keith, but he was a user and abuser only out for his own sexual comfort. So letting go and getting used to not chatting every day after spending 4+ years together, even if only for a brief half hour in the morning or evening, is difficult. I’m so heartbroken. I’m so lost and afraid.

When situations like this happen to me, I always blame myself. Is it how I look, is it because I gained weight, is it because I’m too emotional, is it because I self harm, or perhaps some other issue. He did make me happy, although I worried a lot. I’m just a deep thinker and very worrisome. Perhaps I will always be like this.

Part of me still thinks that he is trying to push me away unnecessarily. Jon thinks that he will never find happiness with a woman, but I disagree. So even though this situation is very difficult, and I’m still shedding lots of tears, there is no time frame for letting go. I have to just try my best to survive this. It’s heartbreaking to know that I’m not the woman to make him happy, but I genuinely hope that he’ll find true happiness with someone who can accept him for the beautiful, spiritual, and giving person he is. Love in a relationship can help us survive this shit hole world, because we can bounce ideas upon one another. We can cry into each other’s arms and feel safe and secure. I’m not sure if my love is reciprocated, but I still love him romantically anyway.

My mind is so fucked up these days that, in desperation, I almost thought of contacting an old fuck buddy, but thankfully I didn’t send the message. I’m not that same person, so why would I want to even belittle myself by letting a man use me for sex. Sex with a stranger will not numb my pain. I think fondly of Jon, we spent a lot of time together, and we’re staying in touch as friends. I don’t know what the future holds, but I pray for the strength to let go. I’m not sure how long this will take, but I have faith that it will happen in time and we’ll both be left with a sense of peace.