I’m feeling rather philosophical for 4.27 am. Too lazy to get up and make a cup of coffee, but also too full of inspiration to sleep. The life of a writer is exciting, but also tough when I grow depressive and uninspired. The point of this post is to ask, do you believe there is a feeling deeper than love? Is love…or unconditional love the purpose of everybody’s life, to find that path and give out enough love in order to save another?
I’ve been in love twice in the past. The first time I was mentally abused, but I always state to others that Ryan* was my first love, but he was my second. The mental abuse I suffered took me years to get over. Building up that self worth of myself again is a hard thing to do, but I’ve changed my life and that’s courageous too. Even through my relationship with Ryan, I clearly knew I was delusional to think it would last. I had never before believed in astrology until I found out about my Moon in Pisces. Ryan was a sun pisces sign, and the sex wasn’t exactly fireworks, but I always thought of him as a phenomenal, caring, selfless lover. I loved him more than anything, but the love in that relationship turned me ill; ill through love, and love shouldn’t make a person feel ill and upset all the time.
Now, with K. Third time lucky. I really feel like this is the big deal for me, and I hope I make him happy too. I realise love takes hold when a person constantly thinks of their partner in a good way or wishes them happiness, reads emails/texts they write, reminisces about compliments and pleasurable things. I feel extremely content because I trust him completely, and there are no games, nor do I have to wait three or four days for a response to a question. He’s always there for me, and I’ve grown used to it.
Too many selfish feelings used to flow in my mind about thoughts of living alone and loving my space, but I’m ready to share my time now. Weirdly, I’m stunned at myself of my own beliefs. I like to think there is a feeling deeper than love. No words or descriptions come to mind at the moment, but I’m sure it’ll flow to me in time. I feel excited about being in love, horny as hell and mentally and emotionally connected with him, happy in myself and have a selfless desire for K to be happy. Even when I think about him he turns me wet. Ryan managed to do that to me a few choice times, but not every week like K does. Even my mind is trying to throw a negative onto my positive, ‘Nah, this can’t be real, it’s too good to be true.’
I am mad at myself when I said I would never again put both feet into a relationship after they were burnt the second time around, but I know I’m firmly in that realm of no return. My heart belongs to K.
* Names changed.
